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Shakira vs. She Wolf

Here's Shakira taking something totally not sexy (see above right) and making it look naked and hot.

Friends don't let friends eat McDonald's

A woman was found dead in a McDonald's machine in a major manufacturing plant in California. And people are still eating this crap. This woman could show up in the next batch of "now all white meat" chicken nuggets. I hope she'll at least be a happy meal. Here's the story from Fox News, so its probably true at least in some parts.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,534316,00.html

I sent this article to my best friend who thinks eating several meals from the dollar menu a day is a smart economical decision and that eating Big Macs is the same as eating say, a peanut butter sandwich. This girl never gains weight either. Bitch. I hope this is enough to scare her out of her addiction. I'm just trying to help her reach rock bottom so we can start the healing process.

This is what your chicken nuggets look like before they are packaged and delivered to you with the seasons hottest kid movie action figure that breaks in three seconds:

Yes that's really chicken. Separated chicken parts. And now just think, they're might be some separated woman parts in there too.

My dad likes to sing this song every time we pass a McDonald's or really anytime he feels like it.

"McDonald's is your place!
They feed you rattlesnakes, they throw em in your face!
They steal your parking space!
McDonald's is your place!"

Big Ups Mid City Tire

So yesterday I had a flat tire. Actually, I first noticed this flat tire on Sunday but decided to fill it up with air and ignore it until the situation became crucial. Flat tires immediately strike fear and panic in the heart of all mankind. I called Pep Boys and got in a blowout fight with a service man named Keith. And then I called back and asked for the manager, and it turns out the manager is Keith. I'm no longer allowed at Pep Boys.

But by some twist of fate, I was pointed in the direction of Mid City Tire on 7th and Washington. Lemme tell you something, those guys are the shit. They had my tire fixed and ready to go in 15 minutes for 20 bucks. AND they were really nice. Unlike Pep Boys.

I have undying gratitude for Mid City Tire. Even their little tire guy looks friendly (see below).

Eff you forever Pep Boys.

Fierce Spotting: Amber Rose

SPOTTED: Amber Rose on 4th and Bainbridge in a ripped belly shirt and acid washed jeans. The good news is she's back to blonde and looked fabulous overall. The bad news is she was on her phone so I couldn't harass her. I was only disappointed for a second because then I met my mom and had bagels and lox and the unparalleled Greek salad at 4th Street Famous Deli.

Photo from http://www.inquisitr.com/wp-content/amber-rose.jpg

Ketchup: Nectar of the Gods

I don’t believe in wasting ketchup. I will eat way more fries than is necessary to avoid leaving one drop of ketchup. Actually I usually carry ketchup packets just in case I run into a situation that I might need it and it may not be available or worse-if they have only organic ketchup. Organic ketchup is a ketchup bastard child, an abomination something Seattle-ites and Californians invented to torture the rest of us like the word “hella”.

I'm not hating on Seattle though. Other than the ketchup and people who look like homeless people but aren’t so you have no idea who to keep your guard up around, Seattle is pretty freaking cool. One of these alleged homeless men walked right up to me in a bar and I thought he was gonna steal my purse but it turned out he was just one of these mountain men asking if we could switch tables.

Things I love about Seattle:

One of my best friends and her fab boyfriend and two other friends of hers that I really like live there.

There's a dormant volcano (OR IS IT?!?) and I have always had a special place in my heart for geology. Until I got a C in it my junior year and it screwed my whole GPA. Rocks for jocks? I don't think so.

Best. Asian Food. Ever. Except maybe in Asia but I’ll have to get back on that when I’ve been there.

You be the judge.

VS.

Leotards: Uniforms of the Future

I’m wearing a leotard today and I’m loving it. I love leotards always have. I was on a gymnastics team when I was little, until I quit because practice interfered with the TGIF tv line up and I could not be missing Boy Meets World every week. But anyway I had the sweetest leotard it was neon green and black snakeskin pattern. If I could still fit in it, I would wear that shit every day. I would put a picture of the snakeskin leotard but I think that look is best left to the imagination.

SNUGGIES: Now in Animal Print

Looking for a way to stand out at next years Snuggie Pub Crawl? I know I am. And now the brilliant Snuggie designers have created jungle themed snuggies in leopard and zebra print, for the couch potato who likes their snuggie with a side of danger.

Behold! Rivers Cuomo of Weezer kicking ass and taking names in his leopard snuggie.

http://www.designersnuggies.com/flare/next/

Snuggie is running a special on the "Designer Snuggie". It's buy one get one free snuggies with a book light and in animal print?! Now you can read, maintain a safari aesthetic, and look like this:

'

Fierce Wednesdays

I love Wednesdays for several reasons:

1. We go to Bistro Romano after work on 2nd and Lombard
Lemme tell you something about Bistro Romano, that place is the shit. Naturally, I forced the bartender to be friends with us. I love Bistro Romano because they have awesome drinks and they bring everyone in the bar little snacks during happy hour. Last week it was pasta with mushrooms in Alfredo sauce followed by grilled eggplant. AND cocktails are $4 EVERYDAY during happy hour. And the bar looks like the front of the ship in The Little Mermaid and they play Peggy lee and Sinatra and other awesome music from my past life all night. So basically for 10 bucks you can get a gin and tonic, BR’s awesome spiked lemonade martini and a dinner of little delicious snacks. That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. Good for you, Bistro Romano. Good for you.

2. Summer Outdoor Screenings (also on 2nd and Lombard)
Tonight is Marilyn Monroe Bus Stop. Obviously everyone loves Marilyn, and I think she's particularly endearing in this film. Every Wednesday, a different business sponsors a different film. Tonight Bus Stop Boutique is sponsoring and they're giving out gift certificates to their shoe store which is absolutely fierce.

The only thing not fab about Wednesdays is that last Wednesday I skinned my knee running to the screening in shorts I made out of old jeans. Who skins their knee after elementary school? I guess I do.

*Skinned knees are not typical results of Bistro Romano cocktails.

Really Miracle Whip?

I just saw Miracle Whip's "pathetic attempt to re-market". Miracle Whip is not young, it's definitely not hip, and it definitely does not attract the crowd featured in their latest ad which is chock full of ridiculousness. What are you really talking about when you say "We are Miracle Whip and we will not tone it down"?

Grandmothers in Miami Beach eat Miracle Whip. What is Miracle Whip? I'm not even sure, some derivative of mayo. But what I definitely know, and everyone knows, is that no one will ever open a fridge, see a jar of Miracle Whip, and think "damn, this chick can party". What if Miracle Whip starts paying athletes and pop stars millions of dollars to feature Miracle Whip in their refrigerators? It would be an alternate universe.

Miracle Whip you should really, really get a grip.

Turtle Power

I just got an XBOX Live account so I can play ninja turtles all the time. When I was 5, I thought it would be a great idea to cut off my pigtails so I could look more like a ninja turtle. Unfortunately, my mom caught me half way through and I only managed to cut one pigtail off completely. I started kindergarten basically half bald. I couldn't remember the words to the theme song so I looked it up and I'm cracking up over how ridiculous this song is.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a half-shell Turtle power! They're the world's most fearsome fighting team (We're really hip!) They're heroes in a half-shell and they're green (Hey - get a grip!) When the evil Shredder attacks These Turtle boys don't cut him no slack!"

What kind of 5year old girl wants to look like this?

An awesome one.

If you're trying to play ninja turtles too, my username is FawkYuDonatello.

Fierce Find

I take sunglasses very seriously. They are the best way to people watch without people knowing that you're staring at them. I bought this awesome pair of D&G sunglasses in Italy a couple years ago and stupidly left them at a Sev counter while sleep deprived and buying coffee. It may be for the best though because Britney Spears started wearing the same pair that I lost during her head shaving insanity phase.

This weekend I found a pair of D&G's at a sunglass hut outlet for $50.00. 50 freaking dollars. I think this is outrageously cheap. I especially like this pair for two reasons:
1. You can't see what I'm looking at
2. It looks like my sunglasses have eyebrows which is like a built in disguise and therefore really amusing to me

I love that Americans use every holiday as a reason to celebrate commercialism. I would like to thank the founding fathers, even though they probably didn't have the foresight to know that Fourth of July would come to mean "a day to buy designer sunglasses and everything else really cheap, drink all day, and watch thousands of dollars of elaborate fireworks shows in every major city".

StumbleUpon: Friend or Foe?

Don’t get me wrong. StumbleUpon is obviously a great invention. Its provided me with hours of entertainment and lots of funny links and pictures that I send my sister en masse with my own captions. Like this one:

L00k! It's you and me! I'm the one looking annoyed and nervous at what you're doing and you're the one flying!

But I seriously haven’t done anything since I downloaded this amazing, convenient, funnest tool bar ever invention. It would only be better if it clicked itself when you're ready to move on to the next page.

Boston: Land of Flat Asses and Red Sox Fans

So I was just in Boston for the weekend, and it turned out to be a pretty awesome trip. Although I'm not convinced that anyone actually lives in Boston. On Saturday afternoon I was dragged to multiple sports bars looking for someone who had the Phillies game on. As the Red Sox were also playing, this didn't really go over well with the Bostonites aka people who live outside Boston but say they're from Boston.

However, we ran into Scooter Dude. This was a huge highlight of the trip for me, I chased him for two blocks to take pictures with him and harass him about what the hell he's doing. Basically he parasail-scooters around Boston and he'll balance his scooter on his face if you ask him to. He was so effing pumped up about scooter sailing too, the first time we saw him go by he yelled from his scooter : I'M HOOKED ON THIS!!"
And you know what I think? Good for you Scooter Dude. Good for you.

Good for you, America. Good for you.

In honor of the Fourth of July, try this:

Person you’ve just met: “So what kind of music do you listen to?”
You: “Mostly Patriotic.”

And just leave it at that.

Boston Tea Party: The Remix

I’m venturing out of Philly and heading to Boston for the Fourth. I'm feeling really patriotic and revolutionary about this trip. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm gonna really love Boston, I mean I loved The Departed and I'm picturing that my weekend is going to be a lot like the movie.

I haven’t been to Boston since 8th grade when this kid shit his pants outside the John Hancock Tower and we couldn’t tell where the shit was coming from so we were all looking up at the top of the building to see if someone was shitting off of it or throwing it at us. So while I've told this story millions of times, that's pretty much all I can remember about Boston.

The Philadelphia Fierce: Inaugural Post

Welcome to The Philadelphia Fierce! I've spent the last couple days thinking about starting this blog, what would I call it, what would I write on it, what is it supposed to be about....etc, etc. I just left work early and took a nap and the name Philadelphia Fierce, like the fierce force of Philadelphia, came to me in a dream. Some of my best thinking comes from napping, I swear. So never let anyone tell you that napping is lazy.

But as far as what this blog is about, I'm not really sure if it's about anything. It's just really whatever comes to mind at the moment. So if you like what I'm talking about, that's awesome keep coming back. And if not, then in the words of The Big Lebowski, "Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man".